I’ve always felt lonely at school due to many reasons. First of all, mental health problems. My anxiety always held me back from going out with friends and others from school, so before long, they just stopped inviting me. Fridays, weekends and Mondays were so shit because of this. All I would hear in the classroom on Fridays was them all planning what they were going to do, who they were going to meet up with and when etc. My weekends consisted of homework, watching everyone uploading their party pics and vids on social media and crying, as dramatic as that sounds. Mondays were always ‘Omg the weekend was so good!’ Followed up with the ones nearest to me looking at me with a certain look in their eyes and going ‘What did YOU do?’
They knew full well what I did.
I also had bad panic attacks at school, and these always felt lonely as it felt like I was the only one there who had them. Of course I really wasn’t, there was definitely a few in that school who had anxiety, but since there was no support network or clubs for people with mental health problems to meet up and talk and give advice, I never had any peers to relate to.
With all this, my circle of ‘friends’ only actually cared about me when they needed me, such as when they needed help on some coursework. They would never actually sit next to me in class or walk with me to my next lesson. They always left me behind.
One day I decided to gain some courage and go to a different group. They seemed quite accepting of me and even though they still all went out and never invited me, they still made me feel happy. They were all so funny and they even let me sit with them in our lessons. The previous group of friends all began slagging me off and turning on me one by one, but I still had two of them who never gave in to pressure and still talked to me. They were the best ones out of the bunch.
I still never fit in anywhere, I began to understand that more and more throughout school, and while it hurt deeply, there were parts of me that just accepted that ‘Hey, I’m lonely and don’t fit in. Whatever.’
I still did absolutely amazing in school and passed all of my exams, one with an almost-pass. I left school and unfortunately didn’t fall into a job so I ended up on benefits with fortnightly visits to the job centre for advice and support, all while most of the people from school went to colleges and universities and got jobs. This was my next stage of loneliness.
I also lost contact with all my friends and the people I hung around when I left school, and not having a job made things so much worse. Sure I had my writing which I had been doing since I pretty much first started school. It didn’t pay for anything, but it was a huge passion of mine and still is to this day. It has definitely gotten me through a lot.
I used to go out for a lot of walks when I didn’t work, and a lot of the time they were upsetting. I was surrounded by groups of friends hanging out and couples walking down the street hand-in-hand. My heart hurt every time. I felt so unworthy. I didn’t even want to be here.
I so desperately wanted a dog to run up to me so I could pet it and interact with its owner. That did actually happen a few times, and I loved it every single time. I felt seen.
Another way I have felt lonely is through not having siblings that keep in touch. I have half-siblings but I don’t know where any of them are, and the last one I was in contact with was my half-sister 2 or 3 years ago. I miss them all so much, especially her and one of my half-brothers. I don’t feel as close with the rest of them. National sibling days sadden me, but it’s one of life’s things that I need to accept.
I also find valentine’s day extremely hard. Couples. Everywhere. I always feel worried and ashamed to say this because there’s always someone that calls me jealous and says I need to get a grip. I’ve took a lot of time for myself to decide how I actually feel about being in a relationship. I absolutely adore my independence but I do wish I had someone who I could cuddle, look after and hang out with, and who would do the same for me in return. I’m not too sure how selfish these reasons are, but for now I am trying my best to be content with being alone. Plus, I am spiritual. I have the Universe that comforts me, supports me and provides me with what I need, and for that I am eternally grateful.
So where am I currently in time?
Well, like I say I miss my half-siblings and I do sometimes wish I had a partner, but I now have a pretty great job and some pretty cool friends, so my anxiety and loneliness has definitely gotten better. I still have a bit of progress to achieve, but with my determination and the Universe by my side, I’m ready for anything 🙂